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| If people have their mid-life crises in their forties or whatever the age is now, I'm having an early life crisis. I've begun to question all of my life decisions since starting college, beginning with whether or not I chose the right college for me. I guess it wasn't much of a decision, since financial aid was the biggest issue. But I wonder whether or not I would've been better off at a co-ed school or one that had different schools within it, like management, sciences, etc. Something more structured than what I'm in now. Then I begin to wonder whether psychology was the right major. Should I have gone economics like everyone else? Should I have gone something science-related? My mom always wanted me to be a pharmacist, but I didn't think I could do it. Too much chemistry, I thought. I hated chemistry.
Then I start to think of all my faded dreams, which remained simply dreams. Writing, singing, acting, photography, interior design... Considering all of these dreams, maybe I should have gone for something artsy. I feel like I really should've gone for something different than what everyone wanted or expected of me. But now I'm at a point where I've got to choose a path, at least. I have to take that first step out off the make-believe set.
It's scary for me. All of this back-and-forth in decisions I've made and will make. I don't know what I want. I really don't. What I do want to do seems out of reach or impractical.
This, along with a few other things on my mind, is distracting. I'm also still sick from two weeks ago. I'm becoming ever more forgetful and lazier. I'm at a loss for action. What I really want is the gift of talent in anything art related. An amazing gift of talent that will carry me. That's what I want. But is it what I need? I guess what I need is help. What kind of help? I don't know.
I feel like an unripe peach.
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| I'm sitting in the Campus Center right now, all alone, trying to sell cupcakes and apple cider. Why? I'm fundraising for psychology club. This wasn't my idea. The cupcakes and apple cider. I didn't think it would make money, and it isn't. Perhaps the apple cider was a good idea since people seem to like that better, but given the location, it wasn't a good idea. We're right by the food area which happens to have a much better selection of desserts than what we're selling unfortunately. But given that the club decided, I had no choice but to try my best. I'm all about signs and that really helped, at least in my opinion. In any case, I'm being reminded again how difficult it is to make money.
I remember the first time I tried to make money on my own... It was in high school and my friend and I decided to have a garage sale in front of her house. It was a hot summer Saturday and we would sell our old clothes, ones we had grown out of. We put signs up everywhere, but due to competing garage sales, those mean people took down a lot of our signs. We did have a few people come by, but you had a lot of those typical Asians, trying to haggle for everything until nothing. There was a Mormon church on the street and one car stopped to tell us, "If it hadn't been Saturday, we would buy, but we're not allowed to shop on Saturday."
We tried the signs, having promotional giveaways of our old Goosebump and Captain Underpants books. But ultimately by the end of the day my sister and I had made around $25 which we split between us. My parents didn't seem mad or anything. Overall, I think they were glad that we got the chance to try this and see for ourselves how difficult it was to earn money even though it was so easy to spend it. Always a good lesson.
Going back to my dear cupcakes and apple cider, hopefully most of them will be gone by the end. If not, I'll have to cut prices. Just need to get rid of them... Ah, fundraising...
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| [He said, "If only I'd met you earlier." I didn't hear him, so I said, "What?" "Nothing," he said. It was in that following silence that I processed what he said. I had indeed heard him, I just hadn't processed it yet. Once I did, I couldn't decide whether I was glad to have heard it or wished I hadn't.]
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| I miss writing. But I just can't seem to write down my real thoughts here. I miss my journal. Silly me, I left it at home. Hidden carelessly.
I'm so busy with school. Trying to stay ahead of the game, but always sacrificing the reading I know I'll have to read later... Remembering that I do need to find a job eventually and that I don't have any nice interview clothes...
Despite all this work, I want to go home and visit my friends. Old friends and new friends. Anticipation and stolen glances once again. Thankful to the place that helped me move on. Not forget, but move on.
Again, it's an entry that makes sense to no one but me.
Just know I'm filled with a yearning for something I don't have. Somethings far, somethings close. Somethings lost and somethings found. A yearning for the impossible, improbable, and forbidden. | | |
| My schedule this semester (copying Sarah):
Monday
8:30 am - 12 pm: work at mail services
12 pm - 1:30 pm - rest and eat lunch
1:30 pm - 4 pm: Class (Seminar: Child and Adolescent Psychopathology)
7 -8 pm: Psych Club Exec meeting
Tuesday
9:50 - 11 am: Class (Econ - Games of Strategy)
1 - 4 pm: work at mail services
Wednesday
2:15 - 4:45 pm: Class (Environmental Psychology)
6:30 - 9 pm: Class (Urban Economics)
Thursday
8:30 - 12 pm: work at mail services
Friday
9:50 - 11 am: Class (Econ - Games of Strategy)
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edit: I've taken out Cardiovascular Fitness. Best decision ever.
There's too much to do, too little time, and I can't afford for my body to be tired.
I know, I know, it's supposed to give me energy or whatever. But I am not running my butt off two days a week when there are alternative methods.
- - -
Whatever time I have empty, I'm doing my readings, homework...
Need to get started on my papers, presentations, and test preparations.
I also need to finish my report on my summer job to submit to my former boss.
Lastly, keep in touch with friends and people I know by going to visit them, sharing meals with them, etc.
Big to-do: Create, maintain, and strengthen relationships with professors.
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