Criz's Xanga

Early life crisis

Fri, 06 Nov 2009 04:56:22 GMT

If people have their mid-life crises in their forties or whatever the age is now, I'm having an early life crisis. I've begun to question all of my life decisions since starting college, beginning with whether or not I chose the right college for me. I guess it wasn't much of a decision, since financial aid was the biggest issue. But I wonder whether or not I would've been better off at a co-ed school or one that had different schools within it, like management, sciences, etc. Something more structured than what I'm in now. Then I begin to wonder whether psychology was the right major. Should I have gone economics like everyone else? Should I have gone something science-related? My mom always wanted me to be a pharmacist, but I didn't think I could do it. Too much chemistry, I thought. I hated chemistry.

Then I start to think of all my faded dreams, which remained simply dreams. Writing, singing, acting, photography, interior design... Considering all of these dreams, maybe I should have gone for something artsy. I feel like I really should've gone for something different than what everyone wanted or expected of me. But now I'm at a point where I've got to choose a path, at least. I have to take that first step out off the make-believe set.

It's scary for me. All of this back-and-forth in decisions I've made and will make. I don't know what I want. I really don't. What I do want to do seems out of reach or impractical.

This, along with a few other things on my mind, is distracting. I'm also still sick from two weeks ago. I'm becoming ever more forgetful and lazier. I'm at a loss for action. What I really want is the gift of talent in anything art related. An amazing gift of talent that will carry me. That's what I want. But is it what I need? I guess what I need is help. What kind of help? I don't know.

I feel like an unripe peach.

Making Money

Thu, 08 Oct 2009 17:49:31 GMT

I'm sitting in the Campus Center right now, all alone, trying to sell cupcakes and apple cider. Why? I'm fundraising for psychology club. This wasn't my idea. The cupcakes and apple cider. I didn't think it would make money, and it isn't. Perhaps the apple cider was a good idea since people seem to like that better, but given the location, it wasn't a good idea. We're right by the food area which happens to have a much better selection of desserts than what we're selling unfortunately. But given that the club decided, I had no choice but to try my best. I'm all about signs and that really helped, at least in my opinion. In any case, I'm being reminded again how difficult it is to make money.

I remember the first time I tried to make money on my own... It was in high school and my friend and I decided to have a garage sale in front of her house. It was a hot summer Saturday and we would sell our old clothes, ones we had grown out of. We put signs up everywhere, but due to competing garage sales, those mean people took down a lot of our signs. We did have a few people come by, but you had a lot of those typical Asians, trying to haggle for everything until nothing. There was a Mormon church on the street and one car stopped to tell us, "If it hadn't been Saturday, we would buy, but we're not allowed to shop on Saturday."

We tried the signs, having promotional giveaways of our old Goosebump and Captain Underpants books. But ultimately by the end of the day my sister and I had made around $25 which we split between us. My parents didn't seem mad or anything. Overall, I think they were glad that we got the chance to try this and see for ourselves how difficult it was to earn money even though it was so easy to spend it. Always a good lesson.

Going back to my dear cupcakes and apple cider, hopefully most of them will be gone by the end. If not, I'll have to cut prices. Just need to get rid of them... Ah, fundraising...

Monday, October 05, 2009

Mon, 05 Oct 2009 03:58:19 GMT

[He said, "If only I'd met you earlier." I didn't hear him, so I said, "What?" "Nothing," he said. It was in that following silence that I processed what he said. I had indeed heard him, I just hadn't processed it yet. Once I did, I couldn't decide whether I was glad to have heard it or wished I hadn't.]

Friday, October 02, 2009

Fri, 02 Oct 2009 03:05:47 GMT

I miss writing. But I just can't seem to write down my real thoughts here. I miss my journal. Silly me, I left it at home. Hidden carelessly.

I'm so busy with school. Trying to stay ahead of the game, but always sacrificing the reading I know I'll have to read later... Remembering that I do need to find a job eventually and that I don't have any nice interview clothes...

Despite all this work, I want to go home and visit my friends. Old friends and new friends. Anticipation and stolen glances once again. Thankful to the place that helped me move on. Not forget, but move on.

Again, it's an entry that makes sense to no one but me.

Just know I'm filled with a yearning for something I don't have. Somethings far, somethings close. Somethings lost and somethings found. A yearning for the impossible, improbable, and forbidden.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Tue, 15 Sep 2009 00:01:20 GMT

My schedule this semester (copying Sarah):

Monday
8:30 am - 12 pm: work at mail services
12 pm - 1:30 pm - rest and eat lunch
1:30 pm - 4 pm: Class (Seminar: Child and Adolescent Psychopathology)

7 -8 pm: Psych Club Exec meeting

Tuesday
9:50 - 11 am: Class (Econ - Games of Strategy)
1 - 4 pm: work at mail services

Wednesday
2:15 - 4:45 pm: Class (Environmental Psychology)
6:30 - 9 pm: Class (Urban Economics)

Thursday
8:30 - 12 pm: work at mail services

Friday
9:50 - 11 am: Class (Econ - Games of Strategy)

---
edit: I've taken out Cardiovascular Fitness. Best decision ever.
There's too much to do, too little time, and I can't afford for my body to be tired.
I know, I know, it's supposed to give me energy or whatever. But I am not running my butt off two days a week when there are alternative methods.

- - -

Whatever time I have empty, I'm doing my readings, homework...
Need to get started on my papers, presentations, and test preparations.
I also need to finish my report on my summer job to submit to my former boss.
Lastly, keep in touch with friends and people I know by going to visit them, sharing meals with them, etc.

Big to-do: Create, maintain, and strengthen relationships with professors.

Sunday, September 06, 2009

Sun, 06 Sep 2009 01:29:11 GMT

What am I to do if I miss you so much just one day later? Who knew that this summer, which started so hopelessly, would leave me wanting it back so much? I suppose it was a magical place indeed, to have been able to break down my walls so quickly. The walls it usually takes years for others to break were broken in less than 2 months. I miss you. I miss all of you. As tiring as the job was, I loved the people there so much. But I can see change coming quickly and all of you will slowly leave. By the time I come back, it won't be the same anymore... it'll all have been a dream.

Strangely enough, it'll be you that I miss most. We interacted very rarely, but it was you who I anticipated each day, and it was you who brought that quiet smile to my face in those unexpected moments. I told you that we work to live, not live to work. 'Wise words,' you said to me. And you gave me something back in return... 'Hate the deed, not the person. Never hate the person, even if you hate the things the person does.' I'll try not to forget those words, so don't forget mine.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Sun, 30 Aug 2009 01:49:04 GMT

Summer's coming to an end and I can't help but be kind of sad. All I did was work, but I made new friends and formed new attachments while I was here. I learned what real work place situations could be like and how hopeless one can feel in one's job. It's because of this job that I've gained some perspective on the many things that can go wrong in a company and what holds it together. People are so much more important than one thinks... Right now, what is keeping this company together is the amount of love the employees have for each other. We work because if we don't work, our fellow workers will suffer. There is no other reason. We don't work our butts off because we are dedicated to the company, we work our butts off because we care about each other. Once we all leave slowly, one by one, this company is bound to fail...

I've agreed to work two more days than what I initially planned because otherwise my other workers would have to work 56 hours a week and that is simply unacceptable. I was sad to leave Sunday anyway... Plus, I still have some unfinished business.

[It's a bittersweet feeling having to leave at this point. I looked forward to each day to see what kind of weird behavior you might display this time, that hidden smile and wave, nod. A day without you wasn't fun, incomplete. It was weird, this feeling because we both held back for the same reason. Any step further and it would have been too much. I know because I saw that look in your eye telling me that you felt the same way. But it's good we held back because I would've been the one to let you down.]

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Sun, 23 Aug 2009 14:34:28 GMT

[ Ah, the subtle aroma of temptation, seduction, and falling from consciousness.
The sweet confusion of what's real and what's fantasy.
The swelling of the waves in the quiet before the crash.

The vague jumbled matching of words in an attempt to catch the tornado of feelings.
Difficult to catch all... consoling the self with just a fleeting grasp. ]

Embarking on a new chapter, hoping to be free of previous chapters...
But a book isn't complete without that thread connecting all chapters together.
What's left to do is to write a chapter that will outshine all others and bring this book to a complete and satisfying end.

awake at 2:39 am

Fri, 07 Aug 2009 05:51:22 GMT

for no reason really. I can't seem to fall asleep... and work tomorrow is at 10 am.

Today was a pretty hectic day at work. Disgruntled customers, people in and out, wearing shoes inside, appointments messed up which were not my fault. Injured customer... Dealing with all of this pretty much by myself. Usually it's alright, I just drive myself crazy for a little bit, but once I get over the 'argh, I hate this, I wanna quit now' mode, I get into hyper 'everything is great' mode with smiles all around. Because what can you do at that point? Cry? It's less draining to smile than cry.

But what I realized today was how much I'd miss... the people I work with. Not the job itself or the facility, but the staff there. Such a sweet group of people that you might hate sometimes because of work reasons, but ultimately, people you just bond with. The girl I interviewed with and who now works at reception is a sweet girl, even though she looks kinda crazy on the outside. The managers, although difficult to interact with, I find warm and endearing... cute even. Meeting old friends there and making new ones... Slowly opening up to them and revealing what a silly person I can be, only to find that I have just three weeks left.

Meeting people like that in a place like my workplace is really unfortunate. The staff has so much potential and so much warmth, but it's all hindered by the work conditions set by the lack of employees and lack of concern towards employee working conditions. Yes, the turnover rate is high since it's a lot of younger people working, but it's much more costly to train new employees when just a little more attention and increase in incentives might reduce that turnover rate. All they care about is raising revenue when the lack of employees is bound to cause higher customer dissatisfaction and ultimately lower the number of customers thereby reducing revenue. But of course, that doesn't seem to be a concern for the immediate future since customer numbers are still high.

You know what else would help? A centralized appointment center instead of having to call each different department. Or a short orientation video for first-timers. Or maybe a sign that explains all the rules and says that they agree to follow these rules by entering... Well, signs are really useless since no one reads them anyway. I have signs everywhere saying that the towels are now INSIDE the shower room, but they still come to ask. ARGH! Sometimes people can be so stupid.

I'm still not sleepy. Hm... work tomorrow is going to be interesting.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Wed, 29 Jul 2009 02:22:05 GMT

I think I need to learn how to live life. If not learn, remember.
I've been too set in my way of living. Too set on the straight and narrow when there are times when spontaneity can be a good thing. I always think too much of other people before myself. Always considering their needs and what's convenient for them, while I fall short in taking care of my own needs. Never fully knowing what I want or what I need, I sway in the wind this way and that... Losing direction and resolution towards the ultimate goal. I might take care of the basic needs. What I think I need to do as well as what I know I must do. But beyond that, I live in isolation of everything else that could be. Things that make me smile are out of reach or have simply become a sort of fantasy.

[I'm moving from one level to another. But it's taking too long to win this game. I never signed up for this.]